


introspective

by lesbianbateleur (stepaknee)



Series: adhd yosuke [1]
Category: Persona 4
Genre: ADHD Yosuke, Homosexual Yosuke, M/M, Realizing Feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-05
Updated: 2018-10-18
Packaged: 2019-06-22 00:29:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15569760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stepaknee/pseuds/lesbianbateleur
Summary: Many little things made up Yosuke Hanamura.





	1. attention, attraction

**Author's Note:**

> This will most likely be two parts? Possibly more, who knows!  
> Please enjoy my interpretation of the Yosuke we see in game. Much, if not all of it, is coming from a very personal place.  
> Things with Yu will happen more in the next part!
> 
> There will be important notes in the end about a few things. Please read them if you can!

Yosuke Hanamura’s brain liked to think at twice the speed necessary. It often felt like below his actual thought process was an undercurrent of random ideas or images running simultaneously, though this secondary process was found to be utterly unhelpful and frankly useless.

Naturally, when you brain is speeding forward at such a rapid pace, you tend to talk a lot.

Like, _a lot_.

It’d been pretty constant all his life for him to be a talker. It’s been equally as constant for people to shut him down mid conversation or simply tune him out, annoyed with his fast words and random topic jumping.

He couldn’t honestly help it sometimes. He just… thought about things. And he really wanted to share those thoughts because they felt important to him, at least they did at the time. And every thought lead to another thought, which lead to another, and-

Well. It led to his friends telling him to shut up.

He acted like it didn’t hurt, but well, he’d become a pretty good actor. The rush of fear and panic when he was told that people didn’t care what he was saying, that he needed to just shut up?

That **never** went away.

_‘God, they hate me. I’ve fucked up, I messed up too much, too many times, no one wants me around, just stop-’_

Yeah. Didn’t go away.

 

* * *

 

He didn’t quite know how to explain to people why he didn’t ‘put forth effort’ in school. The constant barrage of claims he was just lazy felt wrong, but he didn’t know how to correct the people who called them that. He didn’t know why he didn’t apply himself, just that he honestly _couldn’t_.

Maybe it was just all the other things he could be doing with his time, weighing on his brain every time he even so much looked at his textbooks.

Maybe it was his sudden thought process mid-sentence in his essay that had nothing to do about the author they were studying.

Maybe it was the crushing feeling every time he sat in front of his work and found himself unable to even pick up a pencil, an invisible wall blocking him and making him clench his teeth in frustration.

He stopped applying himself a long time ago. It felt better to make the conscious decision to fail than to try so hard only to still fuck it up.

 

* * *

 

 

Yosuke liked Yu.

Like, a lot. _A lot_ , a lot.

Maybe it was because he seemed to believe Yosuke the time he confided in him that he tried to do well in school but just couldn’t do it, or even the fact he didn’t treat him like an idiot because of that.

But Yosuke was pretty certain it was because he could rant for hours on end, and Yu would listen to **every single word**.

He’s just… he’s never had that before. Never had someone to just _listen_ to him, to interject their thoughts and reply but otherwise completely indulge Yosuke in his ramblings.  

And Yu _liked_ talking to him. He smiled at him softly the entire time, nodded along, and even laughed (‘ _beautifully, oh god his laugh was amazing, beautiful, stupendous, gorge-_ ‘) at stupid comments Yosuke made. He told Yosuke since he was quiet and had trouble filling silence that it was refreshing for Yosuke to have no issues carrying the conversation.

Yosuke is pretty sure he had never liked someone as much as he liked Yu right then.

 

* * *

 

Yu is very good at studying.

Yosuke... well.

 _Yosuke_ is very much not.

On occasion, they will attempt to study together, a way to spend time together while still getting done the necessary work. And on every single occasion, Yosuke will get distracted.

Yu had been immensely frustrated with him about it the first time. He’d gotten the tone of his that showed displeasure but stayed completely pleasant, the one Yosuke _really_ hated to hear directed at him, and commented that Yosuke being so distracted was also making it hard for Yu to study.

And Yu had watched Yosuke freeze up, watched a panic fill slowly trickle into his eyes, watched him attempt to stutter out reasoning or explanation but getting stuck on his words and only letting out a burst of nearly nonsensical apologies.

Yu didn’t reprimand him for getting distracted after that. He decided to help him focus instead, working together closely as opposed to on their separate work so as to keep Yosuke on task. 

Yosuke’s grades improved immensely, and Yu didn’t have to suffer through watching that horrible panic fill his eyes again.

 

* * *

 

People assumed quite often that Yosuke would be a bad worker due to his ‘lazy’ nature.

And those people were 100% wrong. The only reason he wasn’t employee of the month all year round is because people would bitch about favoritism because he dad ran the store.

He had perfect _keigo_. He did anything he was asked by his superiors. He even helped any customer regardless of how annoying they might be.

He was a model worker, and dammit he was proud of it!

Even if his grades were doomed, at least he had a future in retail.

 

* * *

 

So… maybe Yosuke didn’t like girls.

It seemed odd now, to think that all these years had been lie after lie to both himself and others. That all the girlfriend hunting and ridiculous flirting was meaningless. But he honestly just couldn’t think of another explanation.

Why did the idea of girls sound so appealing when in execution, he had no interest in them individually?

He’d never really had friends that were girls, had always stuck to hanging out with guys in the past. But now that he was befriending multiple girls, actually talked and hung out with them he just. He stopped wanting to date them.

Every girl he befriended suddenly seemed un-dateable, as if knowing them past acquaintances killed any and all interest in them. If it had only been _some_ girls he’d chalk it up to just not liking _that_ girl.

But he stopped wanting to date _Risette_. How was that even _possible_?

It took a while, a lot of sorting in his head and digging through shit he didn’t wanna talk about, to figure out that maybe he just liked the idea of romance and sex in general. Doing those things with a girl wasn’t the appealing part, it was just the acts themselves that he wanted.

Which… brought him to the next revelation.

Yosuke liked boys. Probably.

He knew he liked **a** boy ( _god, did he like a boy, a kind hot smart boy with stupid fucking hair and-_ ). Whether that carried over to **all** boys kinda remained to be seen. But slowly over time, he realized the idea of being with guys didn’t seem all that weird. In fact, it sort of… did more for him than thinking about girls ever did.

That was a weird night. A physically satisfying night, but a very _weird_ night.

He thought about denying it. Thought about hiding it in the background and just not acting on it his entire life.

But then gold eyes flashed in his mind and he figured that maybe wasn’t such a good idea.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yosuke's inner thoughts at the beginning and panic when Yu showed disappointment is a very real thing.
> 
> It's called Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD) and is unique to people with ADHD. It's where people with ADHD people, because of how they grow up with their disorder and often have an overwhelming need to make people proud of them, take any real or perceived rejection very harshly and over react. The feeling of rejection is a huge ordeal to them, especially since those with ADHD are often treated like a disappointment due to being 'lazy'. Symptoms range from anger or self esteem issues to causing clinical depression or even a slew of other things. 
> 
> Yosuke's thoughts on women is effectively the reverse of my own experiences with men. I saw signs in him in canon of things I did as an early teen because of heteronormativity before realizing I was a lesbian. Denying he showed interest in women isn't accurate, but when people seem to think him showing interest at any point means he must be bisexual or straight invalidates the struggle it takes to realize your own sexuality and personal confusion about the issue. You can think you are attracted to a gender and be wrong about that.
> 
> I don't want people to get the idea Yu will be 'fixing' Yosuke in this. He just notices when small things seem to help Yosuke a little and automatically goes to do them because he likes seeing him do better. Small accommodations is all he'll be doing.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> where have I been? idk, suffering with ADHD mostly. 
> 
> but I finally got enough for another part so like, cheers to that.

Okay so being in love with your best friend was a rough time. Like, stupidly weird and difficult to deal with nearly every step of the way.

Every time Yosuke thinks ' _it'll be okay, this is fine I can keep it cool, I can play it out_ ', Yu walks in with that smile and he loses all ability to think or process things and the realization provided to him a few weeks ago is really not helping matters.

The fact he hasn't blurted out his crush is nigh amazing considering his constantly running mouth where he had a habit of shoving his foot. Perhaps it's the fact he hasn't told anyone he's gay yet that's keeping that little secret in.

It had to be obvious, didn't it? That Yosuke likes him. He rapidly cycles between never shutting up and beings speechless, and Yu's bound to notice that right?

God this sucks. _He_ sucks, he's a moron for falling for the closest friend he's ever had but then again so has half the town so maybe it's something in the water.

 

No.

 

It's Yu, it's all Yu.

He's not perfect but god does he feel perfect to Yosuke sometimes, the other half he didn't know he was missing. He gives so much to Yosuke without even trying, things Yosuke didn't ask for or knew he needed and things Yu didn't even realize he was offering.

Yosuke caught himself staring for the third time this week during lunch, and it was to the point he wasn't even able to get angry at himself about it. Not when he got to see every small change in expression on Yu's face as he told another dumb joke that somehow managed to get a chuckle.

 

* * *

 

He was going to apologize.

Doing so was... Difficult. But he was going to do it!

Kanji never deserved a single comment he'd made when it was clear to Yosuke now how every single one of them had been made out of fear.

 

Yosuke had been attracted to guys for a while now, and being confronted with the stereotypes had scared him into being an utter jackass.

But that wasn't an excuse, he knew it wasn't, so he was going to apologize wholeheartedly.

And he was going to come out to someone for the first time.

 

He wasn't sure why he decided he'd decided to tell Kanji first out of anyone. Maybe it was the fact that Kanji clearly didn't care about peoples orientation considering the situation he himself went through.

Yosuke just trusted him. And after all the bullshit he's pulled, it felt like Kanji of all people deserved to know.

 

Kanji accepted his apology immediately. Barely even blinked before doing so, seemed more surprised that Yosuke had felt the need to say anything.

And he... hadn't seemed overly surprised when Yosuke admitted he liked guys either. The only part of the conversation that seemed to be of surprise to Kanji was Yosuke admitting he didn't like girls in the slightest.

Now that, _that_ got Kanji's attention. Yosuke couldn't blame him, not after the stupid shit he'd pulled over the past year. He tried to explain as best he could why he'd thought he'd liked girls, why he was fooled for so long. Kanji wasn't fully able to understand because he _did_ like girls, but he apparently got the gist.

 

Yosuke might have cried a little bit. Kanji was a good friend and didn't comment on it, and when told not to mention it, said he saw nothing.

 

* * *

 

Exams were around the corner. Yosuke was losing his mind. 

Even the usual music that calmed his nerves and made it a little easier to focus was doing nothing. He couldn't stop _thinking_. He couldn't stop shaking his leg, fiddling with his hair, twirling the cord of his headphones.

He felt wired and yet unmotivated to move. Stuck at his desk ready to pull his hair out.

Maybe he'd take Yu up on that offer to study after all, even if it meant the danger of being less than a foot away from his crush at all times. Yu didn't let him stray very far any more, not when he realized that keeping Yosuke close and working together kept the brunette on task.

 

He could probably crawl into Yu's lap and the guy would probably let him as long as he focused on studying. ( _Like he'd be able to focus in Yu's lap, when he could just shift and wiggle and writhe until-_ )

Hard stop on that line of thought. Yosuke pulled his phone out to text his partner before he could get distracted again.

 

( _Now wasn't that the story of his life._ )

 

* * *

 

Telling the rest of the investigation team about his newly discovered orientation was... certainly a big hurdle to think about. He had no doubt the girls would question him about every little thing, _god they were nosey_ , and when the topic of how he finally figured it out arose.....

 

Yosuke wasn't sure how he could get outta that one without spilling the ' _I'm in love with Yu Narukami'_ beans.

Though he was about 90% sure some of them already knew.

Not about the gay part. The loving Yu part. Though perhaps they had an idea about the first part because of the aforementioned second part.

 

Whatever.

 

Telling them all individually seemed like a hassle.

But he wanted to tell Yu last.

 

It was stupid. It was so stupid to tell your best fucking friend last out of everyone but he just couldn't do it yet. Not when he had a dream last night of them holding hands and making out next to a field of orange and yellow flowers filled with penguins waddling around. ( _No one said the dream_ **_made sense_ ** _. Just that he dreamt of kissing his best friend._ )

And well. Maybe if he told all of the investigation crew _except_ for Yu, it wouldn't matter if he spilled the ' _w_ _o_ _w, my bestfriend is really hot please help me'_ beans.

 

He'd be mildly terrified of Rise's reaction to competition, if it weren't for the fact Yu had let her down gently last month. She was nice but damn if she wasn't competitive.

 

* * *

 

They did, in fact, all ask him if he figured out he was gay because of a boy.

He did, in fact, attempt to lie, babbling through a few excuses, before everyone cut in to ask if it was Yu. Nodding his head never felt so heavy in his life.

 

His face had never felt so warm either. Kanji clapped a hand on his back in solidarity.

Telling Kanji first had been a good choice, if it meant he had someone so huge to lean on.

 

* * *

 

They tried to convince him to tell Yu. He.... well, he wasn't sure how to go about it.

They all were right, Yu wouldn't care and would accept him and wouldn't treat him any differently. Naoto had quietly pointed out that Yu himself didn't show interest in girls much, and they could quite possibly be in the same boat.

But that just seemed too good to be true, so Yosuke ignored that hopeful possibility.

 

Should he explain his crush as well? Should he just tell him he was gay and then promise not to hit on him? Which was a blatant and utter lie now that he thought about it and maybe he shouldn't try and promise him that...

He was ripping his hair out over it.

He was avoiding him slightly over it.

 

And he missed Yu so fucking much right now, enough that he just decided to say fuck it and invite him over that afternoon.

 

* * *

  


He was a mess. More than usual. His hands were shaking, something that happened sometimes when he was particularly restless but not very often.

Yu had noticed immediately. He placed a hand on Yosuke's arm to try and ask what was wrong.

 

Yosuke's fumbling words and fake smile wasn't very convincing.

Yu was patient though. He sat on Yosuke's bed ( _'no distraction, no distraction, don't wander off on that, don't'_ ) silently as Yosuke paced frantically, biting at his thumbnail in thought.

At some point his brain got tired of waiting to talk and just blurted it out.

 

The words _"I'm gay"_ were way louder than he intended. He froze and watched Yu's expression, saw his eyes widen in surprise followed by a flutter of fast blinks.

"Oh. Me too."

 

**_What?_ **

 

* * *

 

Okay so maybe he missed a lot of obvious signs.

 

The key ones being Yu's clear discomfort when Yosuke had made his stupid asshole comments to Kanji and mistaking his frustration in the bathhouse being about a _guy_ hitting on him and not that Yu was just uninterested in being hit on at the time because he had a team to lead and a person to save.

But he also missed him having a lack of any and all interest in dating any girl in town, his dismissal every time girls were brought up or compared to each other, his lack of dirty magazines, _Yosuke missed a lot of things okay._

 

It was okay though, because they were sitting and comparing notes, talking about how Yosuke had been so sure he liked girls until suddenly he had been very unsure. Discussing what was appealing about guys, what they liked in guys.

That's where Yosuke... might have messed up. You know, like he always does.

 

Perhaps describing his ideal person as ' _tall, kind, a good listener, light haired, strong but not super muscular, a good leade_ r' was too obvious. Just a tad. 

But he found himself unable to breathe as Yu looked him straight in the eyes and explained he  just how much liked ' _loud fast talking brunettes who tried really hard but often got distracted and that cared too much for their own good_ '.

He only caught his breathe again after Yu pulled his lips away from Yosuke's to smile against his cheek.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll have more probably at some point but for now. will smith poses.
> 
> I hope y'all enjoy my indulgent headcanons.

**Author's Note:**

> Yosuke's inner thoughts at the beginning and panic when Yu showed disappointment is a very real thing.
> 
> It's called Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD) and is unique to people with ADHD. It's where people with ADHD people, because of how they grow up with their disorder and often have an overwhelming need to make people proud of them, take any real or perceived rejection very harshly and over react. The feeling of rejection is a huge ordeal to them, especially since those with ADHD are often treated like a disappointment due to being 'lazy'. Symptoms range from anger or self esteem issues to causing clinical depression or even a slew of other things. 
> 
> Yosuke's thoughts on women is effectively the reverse of my own experiences with men. I saw signs in him in canon of things I did as an early teen because of heteronormativity before realizing I was a lesbian. Denying he showed interest in women isn't accurate, but when people seem to think him showing interest at any point means he must be bisexual or straight invalidates the struggle it takes to realize your own sexuality and personal confusion about the issue. You can think you are attracted to a gender and be wrong about that.
> 
> I don't want people to get the idea Yu will be 'fixing' Yosuke in this. He just notices when small things seem to help Yosuke a little and automatically goes to do them because he likes seeing him do better. Small accommodations is all he'll be doing.


End file.
